I never want to
Wow. So long since
Sunday, June 13, 2010 / 4:45 AM ♥
I've written (or blogged) here.
It feels weird. I'm reading my stuff and saying ot myself "Wow you're absolutely dramatic". Well yes I am. Thank You very much. I only write when there are issues that cannot be absolved. I can't randomly start a conversation and talk about how miserable I am. Well maybe I can but you know... A little pride here and there... People never realize when they need help. Well anyway I'm incriminating myself as one who does need help but with a difference so there. I'm not perfect I do get sad sometimes and people do hurt. However, I don'tgo around cutting myself or bashing people's heads in the wall - I am expressing my sadness in other means :Writing.
But that's on top of all the other things I do. Like... Playing music.. Writing music... Carrying weights... Just kidding but you get the drift. I realized staying still makes you think a lot on what could have been rather than what could be changed. Oh Wow Philosophical much! Anyway there are a lot of people I owe my happiness to but for today I should just mention one Cuiying.
Ahahaha yes I'm absolutely idolizing her just like all the other guys that drool around. No not really. I shoud thank her for always helping out. She's straightforward and often makes me feel like my problems aren't even problems! There was one thing in particular that really inspired me 5 stages of Grieving. Wow I'm getting cornier everyday I swear. So anyway 5 stages of grieving composes of Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance.
I have to say, grieving about a loved one pretty much follows all these steps.
Denial. It took me 4months to realizethat my special someone was really gone. 6 months after our apparent "break up" (after numerous times of calling them) They finally turned back and told me what exactly happened. Cause as you would expect, I don't deal with "We can't be in this relationship anyore".
The second stage: Anger, umm.. I guess at this spot I'll have to say I ran 40 times around my back yard did 100 cycles on the rowing thing, 300 skips 50 push ups and 50 sit ups... I guess for what I was doing I think I had a little eating disorder. I was so conscious of why that person didn't love me and went out and lost 15 kilo's in total. I felt so faint at cross country and athletics carnival... I didn't as well as I should have thought and went more into pushing myself until I felt faint. I stayed up late ad slept in through the day. Seeing you at school was a total ass. Seeing you hurt so much. And I bet your'e reading this and you're laughing your head off at how much I need you. Laugh b*tch. I don't care.
Bragaining. "Everyone bargains over a loss in some way, trying to somehow regain what they've lost." What have I lost? MY everything. My one to talk to about everything, my I love you's till 2 am. Yes I'm being dramatic again. There's actually parts to where I bargained. The first is when I went and lied about all these relaitonships and connections I had with drugs and etc to my "ex". I wanted them to care for me. I wanted them back. I wanted to show how much of a total wreck I was without them. Ahaha Lol. YEs I'm a genious aren't I?
After a few months of being a wreck I asked myself :How hard it is to find someone else? This is where you have what you call "replacements" or "rebounds" and probably to some extent... "fwb's". Was it a good idea? Yes and.. No. At elast I was thinking about some other thing other than my misery. But it did ruin quite a few great friendhsips. What started out as be genuine care turned out to be a competition on who was more "committed". Calling each other became systemmatic and "I love you" became a word used to drown out arguements. I mean what kind of person does not back down when someone says I love you? It was straining and pressuring. It was over within a month.
4th step: Oh wow. After all that we still haven't reached the worst? Well wait is over here it is-Depression. Sounds so bad doesn't it? Doesn't sound as bad as crying to sleep everytime you sleep and everytime you wake up hoping after all this your ex might somehow... Because he loves you know you are sad and miserable and come back. Wipe away your tears, offer a shoulder and say that they're sorry for everythig and for not being there....
Some fantasy. I'm not going to advertise myself as "Hey everyone! I have depression! Have tissues at hand just in case.. or stay away from me I'll get spaz attack and start crying."
And that was probably the hardest thing about it. I had to be strong cause I am strong. And I've nly ever cried 5 times 3 times without anyone noticing. Actually, no I'm not strong. This really hurt and I needed someone. And that someone is going to be my Ex. I know it I know it.
That went on for so long. Longer than I can probably remember. SOmetimes I'd go to parks with friends or out to the city.. or even in the train... I'd just feel so bad inside cause I know they're not there. And while I'm here miserable they're probably somewhere enoying life. When I found something fun and start to see things that make me happy..I.. " almost feel guilty when I laugh or enjoy something because the one I lost isn't there."
I am overprotective of my grief. It's mine. And As much as it's killing me, I want it I don't want to let it go. Cause letting t go would mean letting you go and I don't want that.......
Acceptance. The final stage of grieving. Have I reached this? Maybe I am too positively affirming, or the overdued standing of my old enemy pride is telling me, "Yes you have accepted. You have undergone all the stages of grieving...That is how you are feeling happy now." But the latter is saying, "If you have accepted, why has writing this evoked some form of emotion?", "Why do you still think about that person?" And I have no answer for that. I can only accept. Loss is a part of life. A part of life? How can I say that when all I've ever knows was winning? I guess with that said, it's unnatural to relate to how parallel that is to my recent attitude to my studies. Absolute neglect. My maths for example, I've studied it, I know the chapters by heart, the concepts yet I block out all logical voices and settle for less: I refuse to do this test to my fullest capability. Why? Because I know it is not perfect. Yet this feeling of failure... It feels......
How ironic. Not trying cause I know there will be mistakes? Or because I want to feel loss? Or is it cause I'm plain stupid?
Confused? Yeah so I am. I don't think I'm up to acceptance yet. But I'm happy to anounce I am in the transition. And I am happy of my progress. I am in year 11, currently dealing with the stress and pressures of highschool in all three recognised areas; academic, cultural, sporting and as a more unrecognised school recreation , Social- It's not easy. (And this is where my modesty plays) But I am who I am, I can deal with it. Everyone can deal with it. It's the way that you do it that makes a difference. I prefer to write like this, then flow my love to all the people around me. I don't know why people opt frowning faces when smiling ones are so much better. "Better to be a grinning idiot, than the emo." I love my friends my family, and all those who've been there all the way. (I feel like rhyming..) And thank you for making my sky seem not-grey. Aahaha. Lol =] And to you for taking the time to read. Take it away...
I spent how long writing this urgh!
And I have an Extension English due!
Goodnight<3
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Profile
Hi my name is disclosed
But you can call me Jp for today.
On the surface things are shiny.
The past can hurt sometimes.
But hey, advantages are...
You have half the idea of the hell people are going through.
When you lose people
you realize how important every moment is.
Every person.
What would you have done differently if you got to relive that moment.
Enough questions.. Don't you have a life to live? Make your mark(:
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Wow. So long since
Sunday, June 13, 2010 / 4:45 AM ♥
I've written (or blogged) here.
It feels weird. I'm reading my stuff and saying ot myself "Wow you're absolutely dramatic". Well yes I am. Thank You very much. I only write when there are issues that cannot be absolved. I can't randomly start a conversation and talk about how miserable I am. Well maybe I can but you know... A little pride here and there... People never realize when they need help. Well anyway I'm incriminating myself as one who does need help but with a difference so there. I'm not perfect I do get sad sometimes and people do hurt. However, I don'tgo around cutting myself or bashing people's heads in the wall - I am expressing my sadness in other means :Writing.
But that's on top of all the other things I do. Like... Playing music.. Writing music... Carrying weights... Just kidding but you get the drift. I realized staying still makes you think a lot on what could have been rather than what could be changed. Oh Wow Philosophical much! Anyway there are a lot of people I owe my happiness to but for today I should just mention one Cuiying.
Ahahaha yes I'm absolutely idolizing her just like all the other guys that drool around. No not really. I shoud thank her for always helping out. She's straightforward and often makes me feel like my problems aren't even problems! There was one thing in particular that really inspired me 5 stages of Grieving. Wow I'm getting cornier everyday I swear. So anyway 5 stages of grieving composes of Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance.
I have to say, grieving about a loved one pretty much follows all these steps.
Denial. It took me 4months to realizethat my special someone was really gone. 6 months after our apparent "break up" (after numerous times of calling them) They finally turned back and told me what exactly happened. Cause as you would expect, I don't deal with "We can't be in this relationship anyore".
The second stage: Anger, umm.. I guess at this spot I'll have to say I ran 40 times around my back yard did 100 cycles on the rowing thing, 300 skips 50 push ups and 50 sit ups... I guess for what I was doing I think I had a little eating disorder. I was so conscious of why that person didn't love me and went out and lost 15 kilo's in total. I felt so faint at cross country and athletics carnival... I didn't as well as I should have thought and went more into pushing myself until I felt faint. I stayed up late ad slept in through the day. Seeing you at school was a total ass. Seeing you hurt so much. And I bet your'e reading this and you're laughing your head off at how much I need you. Laugh b*tch. I don't care.
Bragaining. "Everyone bargains over a loss in some way, trying to somehow regain what they've lost." What have I lost? MY everything. My one to talk to about everything, my I love you's till 2 am. Yes I'm being dramatic again. There's actually parts to where I bargained. The first is when I went and lied about all these relaitonships and connections I had with drugs and etc to my "ex". I wanted them to care for me. I wanted them back. I wanted to show how much of a total wreck I was without them. Ahaha Lol. YEs I'm a genious aren't I?
After a few months of being a wreck I asked myself :How hard it is to find someone else? This is where you have what you call "replacements" or "rebounds" and probably to some extent... "fwb's". Was it a good idea? Yes and.. No. At elast I was thinking about some other thing other than my misery. But it did ruin quite a few great friendhsips. What started out as be genuine care turned out to be a competition on who was more "committed". Calling each other became systemmatic and "I love you" became a word used to drown out arguements. I mean what kind of person does not back down when someone says I love you? It was straining and pressuring. It was over within a month.
4th step: Oh wow. After all that we still haven't reached the worst? Well wait is over here it is-Depression. Sounds so bad doesn't it? Doesn't sound as bad as crying to sleep everytime you sleep and everytime you wake up hoping after all this your ex might somehow... Because he loves you know you are sad and miserable and come back. Wipe away your tears, offer a shoulder and say that they're sorry for everythig and for not being there....
Some fantasy. I'm not going to advertise myself as "Hey everyone! I have depression! Have tissues at hand just in case.. or stay away from me I'll get spaz attack and start crying."
And that was probably the hardest thing about it. I had to be strong cause I am strong. And I've nly ever cried 5 times 3 times without anyone noticing. Actually, no I'm not strong. This really hurt and I needed someone. And that someone is going to be my Ex. I know it I know it.
That went on for so long. Longer than I can probably remember. SOmetimes I'd go to parks with friends or out to the city.. or even in the train... I'd just feel so bad inside cause I know they're not there. And while I'm here miserable they're probably somewhere enoying life. When I found something fun and start to see things that make me happy..I.. " almost feel guilty when I laugh or enjoy something because the one I lost isn't there."
I am overprotective of my grief. It's mine. And As much as it's killing me, I want it I don't want to let it go. Cause letting t go would mean letting you go and I don't want that.......
Acceptance. The final stage of grieving. Have I reached this? Maybe I am too positively affirming, or the overdued standing of my old enemy pride is telling me, "Yes you have accepted. You have undergone all the stages of grieving...That is how you are feeling happy now." But the latter is saying, "If you have accepted, why has writing this evoked some form of emotion?", "Why do you still think about that person?" And I have no answer for that. I can only accept. Loss is a part of life. A part of life? How can I say that when all I've ever knows was winning? I guess with that said, it's unnatural to relate to how parallel that is to my recent attitude to my studies. Absolute neglect. My maths for example, I've studied it, I know the chapters by heart, the concepts yet I block out all logical voices and settle for less: I refuse to do this test to my fullest capability. Why? Because I know it is not perfect. Yet this feeling of failure... It feels......
How ironic. Not trying cause I know there will be mistakes? Or because I want to feel loss? Or is it cause I'm plain stupid?
Confused? Yeah so I am. I don't think I'm up to acceptance yet. But I'm happy to anounce I am in the transition. And I am happy of my progress. I am in year 11, currently dealing with the stress and pressures of highschool in all three recognised areas; academic, cultural, sporting and as a more unrecognised school recreation , Social- It's not easy. (And this is where my modesty plays) But I am who I am, I can deal with it. Everyone can deal with it. It's the way that you do it that makes a difference. I prefer to write like this, then flow my love to all the people around me. I don't know why people opt frowning faces when smiling ones are so much better. "Better to be a grinning idiot, than the emo." I love my friends my family, and all those who've been there all the way. (I feel like rhyming..) And thank you for making my sky seem not-grey. Aahaha. Lol =] And to you for taking the time to read. Take it away...
I spent how long writing this urgh!
And I have an Extension English due!
Goodnight<3
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I think I've got yours
Abangan Nina
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